Who Am I?

It has taken me a long time to get to this point. There has been much I have wanted to say but I fear it may have been too long. I may already have passed a point of no return where the concept of my life and of the future is slightly more than bleak. I am sure my parents would disagree with my assessment of my life, but they don't know anything about me.

“Momma loves her baby
And daddy loves you too.”

I say this because I don't know how else to say it. I don't feel that way a lot of the time, but when I return to my inner thoughts, when there is nothing to distract me, it is like walking into a noisy room where thousands upon thousands of “me” are arguing at the top of their voices desperately trying to understand my own existence. Perhaps on some days it is not a conversation about my existence but at something I did, or thought, or said.

That is the crux of my life. I don't understand myself most days. I know there are some who don't understand me at all. I suppose, I break through the ice once in a while, but, like the song The Thin Ice of Pink Floyd's The Wall – it warns that things may turn horribly bad after making one's way through mental defenses.

“And the sea may look warm to you babe
And the sky may look blue
But ooooh Baby
Ooooh baby blue
Oooooh babe.”

I was so young. I was too young. I don't want to be dramatic about it all, but if you have lived my life, you would want answers too. You would want your life back. You would want to live it all over again, just to see what you may have turned out like. At times, I believe there might be something out there in the world that will provide me with the answers I seek – but, I know, the answers are not out there. But, one can't help but want to seek them out regardless.

I have been angry all of my life. I don't know if anyone really knows why they are angry, but I never knew until I started going to therapy. A therapy that started about twenty-four years too late. I think of it in the number of bad things I have done. The number of things where I wondered for years afterwards why I did them.

Why was I not able to stop myself? A lot of people I have chatted with and played the “hypothetical question” with have always said there is a point where everyone may stop. I nod. I agree. But, then I go home and disagree. There is no explanation. It is a drive I have only recently come to control. It is a drive that consumes me.

“If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear-stained eyes...”

I guess I could have had a better life. I could have not done anything in my life that I have. But, that is like saying, I could have bought a better car. Both of them are out of reach – unless I find a million dollars on a street corner.

Or, at least, they were at one time. Now, I am beginning to realize there is more to me than meets the eye.

“Don't be surprised when a crack in the ice
Appears under your feet.”

What I find most interesting about my life, is that I don't know where it all went. I am in my early thirties and I have accomplished many things but I don't know why I continue most days. No, I am not suicidal, but I have been. I know what that feels like. I know how to avoid it. What happened to me at such a young age has made me an angry and confused individual. Everything about me is – usually – in some kind of weird fugue.

“You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fear flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice.”

So, with this little blog I have created, I will now release it to the wild. I will see what kinds of feed back I get. Because, I don't want to claw my mental thin ice any longer.

Granted, I am much farther along than I was a couple of years ago, but I will now lead you through my life in small chunks every week. I don't know how long this will take but I need to do this. I need to finish it.

I need to find answers to some really important questions. Will I succeed? Probably not, but I will understand who I am – I hope, finally, I hope.